I spent the first 18+ years of my life seeking for answers to the many unanswered questions about life. Too many things in my life and in the lives of people around me didn't make sense.
I used to imagine that the world we were living in was like a house whose very foundations were gradually being eroded. Something deep within me felt that there was a problem.
I couldn't understand the hatred, the murders, the deaths, the diseases. I couldn't connect a Universe, so beautiful filled with so much pain!
Sometimes it felt like I could feel the pain in the world.
The so many strange Spiritual experiences I was having pushed me to start reading at a very tender age. Hoping to find answers.
The circle of birth, living and dying didn't make sense.
I felt that if truly a God created the Universe, then He must surely have a bigger plan than what we were being told.
The forces and powers I experienced and encountered told me that there was something more.
The longing for what I couldn't even describe in any language told me that there was something more.
I listened to priest, read books about reincarnation, soul powers, all kinds of books. My parents didn't know I was reading them. Because I read them in secret. Yet I couldn't find answers.
Because of the experiences I was having, I was taken to different Spiritual healers, had all kinds of rituals done to "free" me from the demands of the spirits. Yet all was in vain. I spoke with some priests, some of them Jesuits. Yet they couldn't help me find answers.
I experienced abuses of all kinds including sexual abuse as a child and suffered emotionally more than I can ever tell. All of which made a seemingly bad situation worse.
At some point I couldn't sleep without incense, and some other stuff for protection from the spirits.
And then I decided to commit suicide at 17 after reading a book about reincarnation. I wanted to be born in a better world. Tried six times and failed. Finally I took an overdose on tranquilizers. That nearly did it. Except for the fact that I heard The Voice.
And He told me to go back and find out why I was born. He talked to me about the fact that I would go to hell if I died that way. And said some other things.
It took me two more years to understand a bit of what He said.
I started by praying to the unknown God.
It was a simple conversation. I kept talking to who ever. Asking Him to help me if He truly created the Universe. I told Him that if there are evil powers like I was experiencing, then there must surely be good somewhere. A power that can overcome evil like we see in some movies.
I asked Him to reveal himself to me. Told Him I was dying inside and didn't know what to do.
And then my dad bought a Bible. A very big Bible. It was towards the end of the year 1991. And it was the first time I saw a complete Bible!
We never used Bible in Church then. We used Sunday Missal. So I started reading, devouring so to say.
It was as if I had been looking for those words all my life. Some made me cry while others made me angry.
At some point, I was too angry to continue. I felt like for some reason, if what I was reading was true. Then someone was hiding it. Suddenly the Christmas tales that were like folklore, fairy tale became life.
It was too difficult to believe, too simple to be true. Yet, something deep within me said it was the truth.
That the story of the Birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ were all true. But there questions were increasing rather than decreasing.
And then one Auspicious night of the 11 Jan 1992, I felt someone entering my room. Because I had become used to Spiritual visitations, I immediately knew a spirit presence had entered my room. I waited as usual for it to manifest. But it kept quiet for such a long time that I began to wonder if I actually felt the presence.
Suddenly the atmosphere in my room changed. Then I spoke to “the whoever” I knew he was in my room. I asked him why he is radiating so much peace. The presence was peaceful yet powerful. It was as if I was in a safe place.
I beg him to reveal himself, whoever he was. And then it happened. He spoke! Called my name. And told me the story of my life. Even some things I have forgotten. He told me He was the one I was looking for. That He was Jesus Christ! Sincerely, my first inward reaction was laughter. But He continue talking. And told me, I could not change my life or the world on my own. That He has come to safe me. Asked me to come to Him like I read it in the Bible. I can't go into details. But at some point, I left the bed I was sitting on, fell on the floor and wept. Suddenly I felt I wasn't supposed to be speaking with the Savior of the world. I felt so unclean! so unworthy!
I surrendered my life to Him. I just gave up the struggle, let go of the hurts, the anger, the confusions, my heart was filled with rage, against life, wickedness including the one inside of me.
But by the time He left around 5:00 o'clock in the morning of the 12 Jan 1992, I was a different person. He asked me to burn all the charms I was wearing and sleeping with for protection.
And told me He will be my protection from that moment. He told me the reason I was born. And what I must do.
He kept His promises. He has remained faithful even when I falter.
It's been a very narrow and tedious journey, moving from Seeker to Pursuer.
In a sense there is no graduation from the God Seeker. It's a life long love affair with The Divine.
I was Born anew on that Auspicious day.
Today I live to share the good news of the reality of the love of God with all who care to listen.
To tell the story of the greatest Love affair in the Universe.
The Saga of the Divine Love!
As we enter this new month, with the threatening Voice of Death Hovering over the Human Race, I pray that God will give you the gift of faith. To believe in the One He sent.
Jesus Christ the Nazarene.
Saviour and Lord! Conqueror and King! Brother and Friend! Too good to be true!
Dare to Surrender to embrace the Divine Love!
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, will not perish. But have eternal life. (John 3:16).
You are included in the "who so ever".
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